I Know You're In There...

So, one of my best friends in the world had emergency surgery to remove a tumor on Monday. When I haven't been slaving away a the concrete plantation (work), I've spent five or six hours a day at the hospital hanging with her. By the time I get home, I'm totally ready for martinis.

Last night, Roomy dearest and I were just getting good and relaxed and watching Queer Eye when we heard a vigorous knock at the door. Now, I'm all for socializing, but its relatively uncommon for us to have people showing up at 10pm on a Tuesday. Roomy was walking around in his underwear and I was shirtless in a pair of warmup pants. Immediately, we realized that our upstairs neighbors probably didn't enjoy hearing the Fab 5 as loudly as our subwoofer was thumping them. In my drunken stupor, I turned the sound down and told Roomy they'd go away.

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! "I know you're in there!" I'm thinking "My god, I'm too drunk for this..."

Roomy goes to the door, looks through the peep hole, and says "I don't know who that is." And stumbles his tipsy ass to the bathroom to piss.

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! "I know you're in there!" Damn, doesn't this guy have any other lines? So I get up and look through the peep hole. Dude is wearing a shirt with an embroidered security badge, holding a maglite and has handcuffs on his belt. My initial drunken reaction was "Damn." Then I looked closer. These weren't police issue cuffs. These were porno issue. The maglite wasn't on. And the embroidered badge said something about "Haloween Bash '99" on it.

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! "I know you're in there!"

So my halfnaked, drunk, queer ass opened the door, just waiting to fend off a bashing from this tool. "I'm not the kind of prick who goes to management over this kind of stuff," says the Tool, "and I'm not sure if y'all have surround sound or what, but its too damn loud."

Well, like I said, I was drunk. "First," I said, "the costume is unnecessary. You look retarded and you should really get some selzer water on that ketchup stain. Second, the mafia gueedo thing is really overdone and lost its effectiveness with the second season of the Sopranos. Third, I apologize for the high volume of my stereo. I was unaware that it was a nuisance. You won't hear it again."

I don't think he knew exactly how to respond. He just stood there for a second, said "Alright, then" and went back up the stairs. Roomy came out of the bathroom and said "What was that?" "Aw, he just asked to turn down the music."

I have a headache today.